Gayity
Mr. Les B. Frank
Mr. Les B. Frank
Your Guidance Counselor for Life
Hey, Mr. Frank!
I’ve been with my girlfriend for about six months and she is truly the best thing that ever happened to me. We have a great friendship and a lot of the same interests. I have been in a lot of bad relationships so I know how good I have it this time. There is one problem, though, and I’m afraid it may become a bigger deal the longer we are together.
I don’t have much of a sex drive. I’m older than my girlfriend by about fifteen years and, while I’m no old lady, I am old enough to know that my girlfriend and I are in different places in our life, sexually. She says she’s fine with the amount of sex we have and that she likes being with me and cuddling. She tells me that I am putting words in her mouth and assuming she has the feelings I think she should have and not understanding that she is content.
I think she should feel free to have sex outside of our relationship. I would completely support that because I don’t want her to begin to resent me for not meeting her sexual needs. I wouldn’t want to know about her other sexual activities because that would be hard to handle but I think that as long as she is discreet that she should go out and do it.
What do you think? I’m eager to hear your thoughts.
Signed,
Marybeth
Dear Marybeth,
You’re not only eager to hear my thoughts, you seem eager to push your girlfriend into contact with more eager beavers. You extol the virtues of your relationship, then, turn around and practically call your lover a liar. If she says that she’s happy and content the way things are, why don’t you believe her? Not every younger person wants or needs to be having nonstop sex. I suggest that you stop putting words in her mouth, stop trying to convince her to put her mouth on other women and start enjoying your relationship.
*****
Hey, Mr. Frank!
I’m a sophomore in college and I’ve developed a crush on my first gay friend. We met right before I started school here, and hung out and just kind of had fun. One night, in the midst of some mild substance abuse, he leaned over and told me that smoking pot always makes him horny. Then, he told me he always thought I was cute and that he had a crush on me. I sorta freaked, because I just thought of him in a friendly context and wasn’t terribly attracted to him.
I spent this past summer in France and felt really cut off from most of my friends – him included, more or less. He was the first one of my friends I saw, the day I got back, but my feelings for him didn’t fully develop until about a month later. In the interim, he hooked up with another guy.
Now, I’m finding it difficult to repress my feelings for him. But there are multiple reasons I’m not really going for the jugular on this issue. First, he tends to get into really serious relationships that are often destined for destruction. Secondly, I’m a virgin. While I care about him deeply and am attracted to him, I’m afraid of getting into a big, long-term relationship with him and it possibly leading to him being the only guy I sleep with. I guess I want to play around a little – not a lot. I’m not really destined for slutdom if I’m a 20 year-old virgin.
So, what do I do? Can you help?
Sincerely,
Moony
Dear Moony,
To some folks, you may sound like a young, gay soap opera character but you’re facing more than just wistful yearnings and melodrama. You’re in a new world where the old rules don’t seem to apply and, to complicate matters, you’re trapped in a prison of presumption.
In other words, it’s hell being twenty because it’s hard to see things clearly when your head is up your ass.
You’re obviously a bright boy but that’s part of your problem. Unlike many of your peers who act without thinking, you’re thinking and not acting.
You’ve already had the cliched confessed crush scene, the separated-by-an-ocean summer and, now, the missed-opportunity, my-man-moved-on montage. After all that, are you willing to let his unsuccessful relationship history and your virginity stand in the way of, at least, letting him know how you really feel?
Tell him.
You’re already projecting yourself into a long-term relationship with this man. That’s like the heroines of classic novels who envision their lives with dreamed-of suitors before they’ve been formally introduced. And, even if you do connect him, there’s no law requiring that you be sexually exclusive, from the start, or ever.
Take baby steps, baby. Tell him what’s going on in your heart, your head and your pants. See if there’s a chance for something to develop but don’t condemn yourself to a serious relationship destined for destruction or a life having explored only a sole hole just because you’ve jumped to conclusions before you’ve jumped him.
Mr. Les B. Frank offers guidance counseling to people of all ages. Some letters are edited for length, spelling or grammar and all become the property of Les B. Frank. Send your questions and requests for guidance to HeyMrFrank@aol.com